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My Story

Trigger Warnings: self harm, suicide, hospitalization, inpatient programs 

I have had chronic, treatment resistant Depression and Anxiety, for as long as I can remember. I have also had PTSD and Insomnia since middle school. This combination of mental health issues has mad it very difficult to function and I have struggled with self harm and suicidal ideation from the age of 12, maybe 10. I have had multiple suicide attempts from middle school to high school and college. When I was in college, I started getting therapy and trying medications. I went on medical leave due to depression in 2017 and did my first inpatient program, a PHP, in 2017 or early 2018 and while it helped me learn a lot I ended up continuing to struggle with mental health for the next few years. As I struggled to find the right meds, and became very familiar with common therapy skills, I went on another medical leave in 2019 and entered my second PHP after a lot of personal life changes that triggered a huge relapse in self harm in 2021. During this PHP, I started looking into new and non-medication options to treat depression and anxiety and decided I wanted to try TMS therapy [transcranial magnetic stimulation therapy] which is mainly for severe and treatment resistant depression/mental illnesses. My case manager helped me find a TMS provider and I started TMS while inpatient. This is my story of TMS, which helped me get a full year of remission from depression and anxiety. I am now doing my 2nd full session of TMS one year later, and documenting the entire process to demystify the process of treating depression. what is treatment resistant depression

emil with a TMS machine, he has on a blue cap and is by the helmet style coil


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