A Year of Remission

For my first full round of TMS therapy, I was approved for 32 days of TMS for anxiety [which also helps depression] and I noticed small mood changes my the end of the 7th treatment. Things like having less anxiety and racing thoughts, laughing more, slightly better sleep, less fatigue, and more motivation. By the end of the 14th day I noticed some moderate mood changes, like reaching less to hypotheticals I would normally have anxiety about, and things happening in my real life making me happy. It was also easier to cope with mood swings and difficult days. By my 21st day, I noticed a much bigger difference in my quality of sleep as well as in my mood. I had a clarity of mind I had never experienced, and everything felt light and calm, for once. Every day after that- my mood got significantly better once I finished each treatment. I would notice that it was like watching storm clouds clear away and seeing a sunny blue sky after a long storm. I had more plans for my future, everybody around me said I smiled and laughed way more [and was more social]. I got more hobbies and began to feel excited for the rest of my life. By my last treatment the 32nd day, I felt like I had undergone a kind of metamorphasis and now had an entirely new life than I had before TMS. Things that I worried about in my head no longer caused breakdowns after ruminating about it for hours, I no longer self harmed to avoid the inexplicable existential dread I felt, I didn't need to lay in bed all day to get the energy to shower anymore because depression left me with no energy. I was now motivated, had a clear head, felt self assured and confident, and was grateful for every positive feeling and change in my life. This was a remission I had never achieved from PHPs/inpatient programs, years of therapy, or any type or strength of medication. This was a remission I had never achieved in both length and quality before, with no side effects at all. For only 30 minutes a day for 32 days, I achieved a whole year of much needed relief. During this year I wrote, made art, started projects, hosted workshops, participated in activism, traveled, socialized, and worked on myself. I was able to live a life I never imagined.

In my next post I will explain the benefits and risks of TMS and compare it to traditional SSRI medications.

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Comparing the Two Main Treatment Options for Treatment Resistant Depression [TMS & Ketamine]

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What is Treatment Resistant Depression?

First you need to be diagnosed with depression and have the symptoms of any kind of depression. If you tried treatment for your depression but symptoms never improved, you may have treatment-resistant depression. Taking an antidepressant or going to psychological counseling helps reduce symptoms for mamy people. But with treatment-resistant depression, standard treatments aren't enough. They may not help much at all, or may improve your symptoms, only for them to keep coming back. This shouldn't be confused with persistent depression, which requires you have had depression for at least two years [in a single span of time]. While many people with treatment resistant depression do have chronic or persistent depression, it typically isn't their main diagnosis. My personal experience is that medication does not help, from anxiety to depression to insomnia meds, and I've been in therapy for 6 years but it certainly hasnt relieved my symptoms to the point I'

My Story

Trigger Warnings: self harm, suicide, hospitalization, inpatient programs I have had chronic, treatment resistant Depression and Anxiety, for as long as I can remember. I have also had PTSD and Insomnia since middle school. This combination of mental health issues has mad it very difficult to function and I have struggled with self harm and suicidal ideation from the age of 12, maybe 10. I have had multiple suicide attempts from middle school to high school and college. When I was in college, I started getting therapy and trying medications. I went on medical leave due to depression in 2017 and did my first inpatient program, a PHP, in 2017 or early 2018 and while it helped me learn a lot I ended up continuing to struggle with mental health for the next few years. As I struggled to find the right meds, and became very familiar with common therapy skills, I went on another medical leave in 2019 and entered my second PHP after a lot of personal life changes that triggered a huge relapse

TMS Trials

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